


twin flames

by lovelylcster



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bad Boy Dan Howell, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Angst, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff, High School, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nerd Phil Lester, POV Third Person, Slow Burn, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29194881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelylcster/pseuds/lovelylcster
Summary: A twin flame is an intense soul connection, sometimes called a "mirror soul," thought to be a person's other half. It's based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing.Opposites Dan Howell and Phil Lester get paired up at random to complete a thorough English report about each other.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for stopping by! don't forget to read the possible triggers in the prologue! thank you and stay safe everyone <3

welcome to our story! 

just going to give some information before we get into things. 

this story was written by 2 people: meet cat and stormy!  
this means that the pov in the story switches between dan and phil throughout each chapter. however, other characters are also involved.

this story includes things that readers may find triggering! these include:  
s*icide, smoking, drinking, negligent parents, slight d*mestic violence, and fighting 

(although s*icide is mentioned in the story, there is no major character death)

(the d*mestic violence does NOT occur between dan and phil!) 

please proceed with caution if you find any of these things triggering! 

love you all


	2. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "as he read, i fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."

It was a month into the dreaded Senior year of High School.

Phil was sat in class, his head down as he steadily took notes. He didn't really struggle in many classes but English was one he did struggle in. He tried his best, that's all he could do, but he always had to pay steady attention or he knew he'd get behind and confused. And he couldn't have that. He didn't like for his grades to slip below an A.

"Okay class," Miss Harper said, standing up, "We're starting a project today. You're going to have a partner who you will have to get to know and write a report over," she looked around the class seeing some happy faces and some the exact opposite. And some just looked bored. "Now don't get too excited. I'm picking the partners," she said and began calling out pairs.

Phil was waiting for his name to be called, wondering who he'd work with. He didn't have many friends so it wasn't as if he had much of a preference.

Dan truly didn't know why he bothered even coming to school anymore. He was always bored throughout the day and the classes were mostly useless for him. He did good in school, he got solid A and B's most of the time, but he didn't care much for any class. He didn't try on the work, yet he usually aced the tests and quizzes. School was just easy for him, not that he really cared.

Thankfully, he had less classes this year, as it was his senior year and he got to only take five classes instead of the usual six or seven other grades had to take. He was in English currently, and like he was most of the time in school, he was bored out of his mind.

Dan rested his cheek on his hand as he stared off into the distance, not really paying attention to anything the teacher was talking about, until she mentioned something about a project. Dan sighed, letting his eyes rest on the teacher as she went over the report they'd have to turn in in a few weeks. He had done a few reports for her class; truly not because he wanted to, but because they were worth a lot of his grade and he knew he'd be fucked if he didn't at least try a little bit. Although most of the stuff he turned in was half-assed. It was just Dan's style.

"Phil, your partner is Dan," Miss Harper got to after going down the list for awhile. She continued on to the next pairing, but Dan wasn't really listening anymore, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He recognized the name immediately; Phil was one of the top students in the class, and probably in the school. But Dan had never bothered talking to him and never really felt the need to. Why would Miss Harper pair them up together? It didn't make any sense to Dan.

Phil turned a bit, seeing Dan sat at the back of the classroom with a confused expression on his face. Phil stood up, walking to him slowly. Phil was always careful, scared he'd trip or something. He sat in the desk next to him, shuffling a bit already feeling awkward. "Hi," he said, looking up at him. Dan was taller than him by quite a few inches. Dan stood at 6'3 while Phil was only 5'5 so even sitting down he had to look up at him a bit. "Uhm- did you want to start on the project tonight? I know we have a month to work on it but its honestly a long one so we're going to have to work on it quite a bit-"

Dan watched as Phil walked over. He could tell that he was awkward just from the way he walked and the way he carefully sat down next to Dan. He seemed a little hesitant; and that didn't surprise Dan much.

Dan had a reputation. One he had formed over his years in High School, but one he didn't really care about or pay attention to. He thought people's opinions were stupid most of the time and there was no point in even attempting to have a good reputation in High School. It wasn't like High School was important anyway.

Dan glanced down at Phil whenever he sat down beside him. "We can start whenever. I don't really care," he said, leaning back in his chair and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper from his messy backpack. He thought for a moment before he grabbed a sharpie out of the front pocket of his backpack. He took the pen off with his teeth, holding it between them as he scribbled down his address on the paper. He slid it over to Phil. "I'd rather get this project done quickly, so it's over with," he explained. "Lets start today. After school."

"Okay-" Phil said, folding the paper up and putting it in his binder on the desk. It was really neat, the opposite of Dan's mess. "Uhm," he paused, "I'll have to go home first to tell my mom I have to come to yours," he blushed, looking down. "I don't bring my phone to school with me so I have no way of getting ahold of her."

Dan glanced away from Phil, leaning forward to rest his elbow on the desk and his cheek in his palm again. "Alright," he said, deciding to just zone off again, now that the partners had been picked. Everyone else in the class were beginning to know their partners, but Dan figured they'd have time after school. He wondered what Phil's place would look like compared to his own. Phil seemed to have his shit together, at least from what Dan could tell so far. Dan was pretty much the opposite. His dad wasn't home often, so he pretty much had the place to himself most of the time. It was pretty messy and it wasn't nice by any means, but Dan liked it there. It was always quiet and Dan could have his privacy.

Phil looked down at the desk, tracing a small line on it and frowning. He'd never been good at social interaction. He always felt too shy or awkward or both so he didnt have many friends at all. So projects like this were always hard on him. He opened his bag, grabbing his sketch book out of it and placing it on the desk. It was a big book specifically for sketching, it had been a gift from his mom for christmas. Phil started drawing small lines, not even sure yet what he planned on drawing. He usually just let his imagination take over.

Dan stared off into space for awhile, before getting bored of that too and glancing down to see what Phil was doing. He had never really noticed how much shorter Phil was than him, but then again, most people were. He was one of the tallest people in school and he guessed in a way that didn't really help the fact that a lot of people were scared of him. He watched as Phil doodled lines on a sketch book.

Although Dan didn't really care about school or the people in it, he found himself observing people quite often. He found that watching people for awhile told more about them than anything else did. You'd never know someone was hiding something until you saw how they acted when they believed nobody was watching. But with Phil, so far he hadn't really seen a different side of him. Then again, observing took time.

Phil watched the lines he was tracing, shading in at random times before he realized he was drawing a face. It looked like a younger version of himself.. he must be feeling nostalgic for his childhood. He added more detail, setting his pencil down to use the tip of his finger to help with the shading a bit before he picked the pencil back up. He'd always enjoyed art. It was so calming to just lose himself in creating something like this.

Dan watched Phil draw for awhile, seeing simple lines eventually meld together to become a face, a face with shading and detail. It was well done, Dan thought, impressive for such a short amount of time. He didn't even realize his eyes had been glued to Phil's paper the entire class period until the bell took him out of it, startling him a bit. He finally took his eyes off of Phil's paper, grabbing his bag and throwing it on his shoulder, leaving the classroom without even bothering to say goodbye.

Phil stood up quickly, gathering his things and walking out of the classroom. He stopped at his locker, placing his books in it besides his sketchbook and walked toward the cafeteria for lunch. He wasn't planning on eating, he didn't normally eat school lunches. But he sat down at a table by himself and watched the people around him. A few tables down he saw Dan sitting there soon to be joined by his two friends Louise and PJ.

Louise was really sweet. She sat next to Phil in Art and they had the occasional conversation but they weren't friends by any means. PJ.. well PJ and Phil had been friends once but they hadn't talked in years. Not because of anything bad.. they just grew apart as they got older. Phil did have the most pathetic unrequited crush on PJ last school year though, not that he planned for anyone to ever know that.

Dan didn't really like the cafeteria; it was noisy, and annoying, but his friends were determined to sit there to get the full High School affect. Dan wasn't really into it, but he enjoyed eating with his friends so he put up with it. Although some days they'd agree to sit outside and have lunch with him there and he appreciated them for it anyways.

Dan honestly didn't like many people from school; he wasn't really a people person. But Louise and PJ were the exception. He sat down at his usual spot for whenever they DID sit in the cafeteria and pulled out his phone, deciding he wasn't hungry today.

PJ sat down, looking across him at Dan. "Hey," he said, grinning. "How was class?" he asked, waving at Louise across the cafeteria as she walked in. "Math was brutal. You're so lucky you're good with numbers honestly."

Dan shrugged. "I guess I'm luckier than most," he said simply. "It was- weird. We're doing an assignment where we have to partner up with someone and write an entire report on them. Seems like a bit of an invasion of privacy if I'm being honest," he said, stealing a carrot off of PJ's tray.

PJ nodded, "That's weird," he said, smacking Dan's hand when he reached for another carrot.

Louise joined them, sitting down and grinning. "Hello boys," she said, reaching into her bag and pulling out a bag of chips. "I brought something for us to share. Takis. I know you both love it," she grinned, looking at the two.

"So who's your partner?" PJ asked, taking the bag from Louise and opening it before setting it in the middle of the table where they could all reach it.

Dan looked at Louise with a small grin. "You're a blessing," he said, taking a Taki and popping it into his mouth. "Phil," he told PJ, motioning over to Phil with his head. "Kinda sucks. I got paired with someone I know absolutely nothing about. This report will be a pain," he said, going for another Taki.

PJ glanced over, seeing Phil by himself hunched over his sketchbook. He felt a twinge of guilt for a moment before turning back to Dan. "His favorite show is buffy the vampire slayer," he said, picking up a Taki and taking a small bite. "He has an older brother named Martyn who's at university and.. his father passed away when he was nine. There. Now you know stuff about him."

Dan glanced up at PJ. "You never told me you guys were so close," he said jokingly. "Seriously though, you guys friends? I've never seen you talk," he said, eating another Taki before turning the bag, offering some to Louise.

"We were friends for a few years. We grew apart," he shrugged, glancing at Phil again before looking at Dan. "He's a good guy. Kind of shy. Really boring at times but-" he laughed a bit. "Also really great. If we still had stuff in common we'd probably still be friends." Dan nodded. "At least he's a nice guy," he said, eating his last Taki before wiping his hands on his black jeans.

"I'm so confused on what you're talking about," Louise said and Dan explained the project to her. "Oh wow. Sounds fun to me. A lot of people will probably become friends because of it," Louise pointed out.

Dan simply shrugged. "Yeah. Maybe," he said, stealing another carrot from PJ whenever he wasn't paying attention.

**time skip.**

Phil was walking home after school, his backpack high on his shoulders. He eventually got home, calling out for his mom. He walked further into the house, not seeing her. He walked into the kitchen, immediately seeing a note left on their little chalkboard they had on the fridge to write notes on. She had decided to pick up an extra night shift at work so she would be home late and she'd left him a $20 to order food.

Phil sighed going upstairs to his room and grabbing his phone before immediately walking out of the house. He was a bit annoyed that he had wasted his time coming home but at least he had his phone so he could have music while he walked to Dan's house. About thirty minutes later he got to the address, stopping to turn his music off and wrap his headphones up before he knocked on the door.

Dan walked home after school like he usually did, with his earbuds in his ears and his volume at max. He got a few weird stares as he was leaving school, but he thought nothing, of them, making his way home. When he got home, he set his backpack down on his bed and laid down, going on his phone for awhile and scrolling through tumblr. He furrowed his eyebrows whenever he heard a knock on his door, before remembering the project he and Phil had agreed to work on today.

He sighed, not wanting to get up now that he had laid down. He let Phil knock again, kinda hoping he would decide to leave, before he finally got up, opening the door. "Hey. Come in," he said simply. "Sorry it's a mess. I kinda forgot we were gonna do this project," he said, beginning to clean up the beer bottles on the coffee table and kitchen counters. He was aware his house smelt like smoke and alcohol, but he figured if Phil had any manners, he probably wouldn't say anything.

"It's fine," Phil said, glancing around himself. It was messy but he had seen worse when he was visiting his brother at university. This was nothing. He inhaled, pausing before sniffing again and furrowed his brows. "Is that-" he paused, "Do I smell weed?" he asked, looking up at Dan.

Dan shrugged. "Does it matter?" He asked, a sharp tone to his voice before he calmed down a bit and sighed. "I'll crack a window," he said, making his way to a window and opening it some.

"No. Its okay. I dont mind it," Phil said, feeling bad. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to be rude. I just haven't been around it since my brother went to university. I wasn't expecting it," he sat down on Dan's couch. "Dont feel like you have to do anything for me. Its honestly fine."

Dan didn't say anything back, walking to his room and grabbing his backpack before walking back out to the living room and sitting down on the chair that was next to the couch. He took out another crumpled piece of paper from his bag, along with the sharpie he has used before and uncapped it. "So what's your deepest, darkest secret?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at Phil, with a slight grin.

Phil balked, his eyes wide and he let out a short laugh. "Uh-" he laughed a bit, feeling awkward and a bit intimidated. "I don't like cheese," he said, definitely not the type of answer Dan was looking for he knew. But he definitely wasn't going to be telling Dan anything like that.

Dan chuckled a bit. "Cheese? How do you not like cheese?" He asked, scribbling it down on the paper in front of him. "Everyone likes cheese."

"Not me," Phil said, shaking his head and making a face. "It smells gross and tastes worse. Its disgusting!" he looked down at his hands, "I'll eat it on pizza though."

Dan shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat," he said, adding 'eats it on pizza' under doesn't like cheese. "How old are you?" He asked, keeping his eyes trained on the paper. When Phil answered 18, Dan wrote it down, before asking him when his birthday was. He then asked Phil what his favorite animal was, and more questions after that, not really giving Phil a chance to ask his own questions. Dan would never admit it, but he didn't like the idea of opening up to anyone. Even Louise and PJ, and they were his best friends. He just didn't feel the need to share much about his life with anyone. But now he figured he kind of had to, and he didn't like that.

"Okay," Phil said, interrupting Dan before he could ask another question. "So.. what's your favorite smell?" he asked, grinning. His questions were a bit eccentric but he hoped Dan wouldn't mind. He knew a lot of people at their school thought he was weird but Dan didn't seem like the type to care what people thought. Phil was still a bit worried though, always scared people would immediately judge him for being different.

"Coffee," Dan answered, leaning back in his chair. "Hazelnut coffee," he added on, clearing his throat. "You?" He asked, pulling his paper onto his lap and getting ready to write on it.

"Sawdust," Phil said immediately, not looking up from his paper as he wrote down Dan's answer. "Let's say you had the chance to ask one person one thing and they had to answer honestly.. who would it be? And what would the question be?"

Dan bit his lip lightly, thinking about Phil's question. He knew who he'd ask. He'd ask his mother. He'd ask her what his life meant to her. He shrugged instead of saying that, though. "Getting pretty deep, Phil," he said, writing down Phil's answer to the previous question. "I'd ask someone for the math answers or something," he lied.

Phil laughed, "Good answer," he said, biting his lip before writing down Dan's answer. "Your turn," he said, looking back up at him.

Dan looked up at Phil as well, meeting his eyes. "What kinda music are you into?" He asked as he stood up, stretching his arms over his head and yawning before walking over to the old record player he had in the living room.

He still remembered when he first got the thing, he had saved up for it for months, making barely anything from his part time job. Now the thing was a couple years old and hanging on for dear life because Dan used it so often, but he loved it anyways.

"I love anything that makes me feel something," Phil said immediately, "My favorite song right now is 27 by MGK," he looked up at the record player, "Oh cool," he said and stood up, walking towards it. "My dad used to have one of these," he said, stopping next to it and Dan. "What records do you have?"

Dan picked up his pile of records and put them all in Phil's arms. Another thing he had spent months saving up for, every record of every band and artist he loved over the years. "You can look through them and find something. You care if I take a smoke break? I haven't since this morning and it's kinda getting to me," he explained.

"Oh. Sure," Phil said, looking at the records in his arms. "I love these," he said, gasping a bit when he got to a Muse album. "Oh my god. I love Muse!" he turned to look at Dan, grinning at him widely. "Can we listen to them?"

Dan grabbed his pack of cigarettes out of his backpack and nodded. "Yeah, go for it," he said, lighting one. He sat down next to the open window so the smoke wouldnt go near Phil and watched as Phil put the album on. "I'm surprised you like 'em," he admitted. "But they're good. I don't blame you."

"They're my favorite," he said, turning the volume up a bit, grinning when Super Massive Black Hole started playing, "This is my favorite song by them honestly, have you seen them in concert? I've been to two! They're even better live, if you can believe it."

Dan watched Phil get excited. It was the first time since he had been observing Phil that he had seen genuine happiness flash across his face. Dan shook his head at Phil's question. "I haven't," he said, taking another puff of smoke. "Maybe some day," he said after he exhaled the smoke.

He finished up his smoke as Phil talked more about Muse and he replied to his questions about them, making his way back to the chair and sitting down again. He grabbed his paper writing ' _fucking loves muse_ ' before going back to their convo.


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast."

It had been a couple of hours since Phil got there. They had been talking for a few hours now, really just asking surface level questions. 

Phil wondered if Dan noticed that Phil avoided the deeper questions or if he was even paying enough attention to realize. After a while when there was a lull in conversation Phil's stomach growled loudly and he blushed immediately. "Sorry. I haven't eaten since breakfast this morning," he explained.

"It's cool. I haven't really either," Dan said, setting his paper down and running his fingers through his hair tiredly. "I don't really have anything here though. I'd have to order something," he told him, grabbing his phone off the coffee table. 

It was only 6 pm, but it felt later than that. Dan guessed it was because he had stayed up late the previous night and the lack of sleep was beginning to catch up with him. "Pizza good?" He asked, remembering how Phil had said he didn't mind cheese on pizza.

Phil nodded, "I have money. We can split the payment," he said and pulled out the $20 his mom left for him. "Whats it like?" he asked suddenly and pointed at the small pipe on the coffee table. There was a bag of weed next to it as well. "I've been around my brother doing it but I've never tried it."

Dan nodded, taking the 20 from Phil. "Thank you," he said, adding his own 20 as well. He looked over at the bag of weed Phil pointed at. "You're curious about it?" He asked before realizing it was a stupid and obvious question. He decided to answer Phil instead. "It's- It's relaxing. For most people. But everyone handles it differently. It makes you feel kind of numb. But not in a bad way. A good numb. A numb where it's hard to focus on anything else," he explained.

"You- want to try?" Dan asked after a beat. He expected the answer to be no, but he offered anyways. Maybe this would help Phil to feel less awkward around him, although from what Dan had observed, it seemed like Phil was already less tense than before.

"Yeah," Phil said and nodded before scooting closer to Dan a bit on the couch. "I've never done it before though so please.. dont laugh at me," he said, blushing and looking at the pipe. "But I'd like to try. I've always been curious about it. I was too scared to ask my brother though."

Dan looked over at Phil and nodded. "Let's wait till our food gets here though, okay? It's not good to do it on an empty stomach and I wouldn't want you getting sick on my couch or something," he said, picking up his phone and finally ordering their pizzas. He got a cheese and pepperoni, figuring if he got more, he'd have leftovers for the next few days.

"Okay," Phil agreed before he stood up and stretched, hearing his back pop a bit as he did so. "Do you listen to any Machine Gun Kelly?" he asked, walking towards Dan's pile of records. He didnt see one of his albums but he hadn't gone through the whole stack either. "I want to show you my favorite song by him if you haven't heard it."

Dan walked over to where Phil was, helping him look through the pile before finding it. "Here you go. I haven't listened to him too much. I'd be curious to know what songs you like from him," he told him honestly, wondering what other kinds of music Phil liked.

"Its really pretty," Phil said, grinning at the album and immediately putting it on and moving it to where the song 27 would start. "It's a bit sad. But I think all great art is honestly." 

Dan observed Phil, watching as the smile came on his face as he turned the album on. "Yeah," Dan agreed, thinking about what Phil had said. Honestly, he wouldn't have expected it to come out of Phil's mouth. He noticed that was a trend with Phil so far. He was nothing like Dan expected. Dan thought to himself that maybe that wasn't always a bad thing, but the thought lingeried anyway. 

He listened to the song Phil had put on, walking to the kitchen and grabbing two sodas out of the fridge. "Pretty," he said simply, handing a soda to Phil. "I like it," he added on.

"I'm glad," Phil said, opening it and taking a sip. "Thank you," he said and lifted the can a bit. "So.." he paused, "What's your favorite movie?" he asked, grabbing his notebook and sitting down crosslegged on the floor next to the sofa with a grin.

Dan answered Phil's question and then wrote down Phil's answer as well. They continued like that for a bit, asking each other more questions and both scribbling down the others answers. Dan's stomach rumbled and then conveniently, there was a knock on the door right after. "Finally," Dan said, grabbing the two 20s and answering the door. He paid and tipped the delivery guy, before closing the door and setting the pizzas down on the kitchen counter. He grabbed some paper plates and handed one to Phil. "Help yourself," he said, grabbing two slices of pepperoni for himself.

"Ooh. My favorite," Phil said and grabbed a couple of slices of pepperoni as well. "Okay," he sat back down on the floor but sat his notebook on the coffee table. "I think a pause in question asking for a bit. I'll have to think of some more. I've asked all of mine so far." 

"How about your favorite shows?" Dan asked, going along with Phil's questions about movies. They discussed all the shows they had in common, and Dan found again, more in common with Phil than he would've expected. They found that they both liked similar animes, and talked about them. After a bit, Dan set his now empty paper plate down on the coffee table and grabbed his pipe. He looked down at Phil and patted the couch next to himself. "You still down?" He asked.

"Yeah," Phil said and moved up quickly, tripping a bit because of the pace. He forgot watch his feet. He caught himself and sat down next to Dan, grinning. "How do I do it?" he asked, "Like just inhale?"

Dan set his pipe up and nodded, lighting it. "Easy, though." He explained. "Take it slow and steady. Especially since it's your first time," he said, taking a small puff before releasing the smoke and bringing the pipe up to Phil's lips to show him where to suck in from. "Slow," he reminded him softly, not wanting Phil to hurt himself by burning his tongue or throat.

Phil leaned forward, not grabbing the pipe but instead just putting his lips around the front. He watched Dan light the front and he inhaled slowly, pausing for a moment before pulling away and exhaling. He coughed a bit but not as bad as he thought it would be and looked at Dan, "It's weird," he said, seeing Dan's eyes already on him. Like he'd been observing him.

Dan nodded. "It takes a bit to hit you as well. We'll do this for a little bit, but we probably won't smoke the whole thing today. It'd probably be a little overwhelming for your first time getting high," Dan explained. 

He bit his lip lightly, thinking about the situation. Dan had Phil, one of the top students in his class, hanging out at his house, getting high with him. Maybe Dan really was a bad influence. He shook off the thought. Phil had asked after all, Dan was just helping him try it out. 

Dan and Phil both took turns taking a few more puffs before they finished up. Dan grabbed them cups of water, since they had finished their sodas. "How are you feeling?" He asked, wondering if it had hit Phil yet.

Phil grinned, nodding his head. "I think I'm feeling it," he said, his cheeks were red and his eyes were a bit glazed. He wondered if he should be a bit embarrassed that it was hitting him so quickly but he shook that feeling off. It was his first time smoking. It was bound to hit him harder than his brother or Dan who both smoked on a more regular basis. 

Phil looked at Dan, seeing his eyes were a bit glazed over as well but he just looked more relaxed than before. Phil wanted to dance. He stood up suddenly, spinning a bit with a grin on his face. "Do you want to dance?" he asked, he knew on regular terms he'd be too shy or insecure to ask anyone that much less a cute guy like Dan. But at the moment Phil didnt care about anything. He was starting to like the way getting high felt.

Dan observed Phil for a bit, watching as his red eyes opened and closed tiredly, and a small smile stayed on his face for awhile, planted there. Whenever Phil asked if Dan wanted to dance, he couldn't help letting out a little chuckle. "I'm good. You dance all you want," he said, leaning back on the couch and resting his arms on top of it.

"You're no fun," Phil pouted a bit, spinning again and raising his hands above his head. "Whats the point in dancing if you don't have a partner, huh?" he took a step towards the couch, practically collapsing on it next to Dan. "Maybe it would help you smile a bit," he said absentmindedly.

"I smile plenty," Dan said, looking at Phil besided him. "I think you've just had a little too much," he told him, picking up his water and handing it to Phil. "Here, have some," he told him. "If you're feeling hungry, we can eat more before I take you home."

"No," Phil said immediately, "I'm not going home," he said, "My room is right next to the bad place." A part of his brain knew he wasn't really making any sense. At least not to Dan who knew nothing of his life. "So tired of being alone there everyday because my mom picks up extra shift even though we don't need the money. She just doesn't want to be home." 

Dan furrowed his eyebrows, trying to understand the first bit of Phil's sentence, before looking at him as he continued on. He chewed his lip lightly. "Me too," he admitted, knowing Phil probably wouldn't remember it in the morning. "But- she does it for you. She does it because it'll help you," he said, hesitantly resting a hand on Phil's shoulder. "She does want to be home. I know she cares about you, Phil." 

Dan didn't know Phil; he had never really talked to him before today, but he couldn't imagine someone not liking Phil. He was quiet, but he was friendly, and smart, and Dan found both of those traits admirable.

"Help me," Phil said and let out a laugh, though nothing was funny. "She does it because she can't fathom the idea of being home when my dad isn't there," he looked at Dan suddenly, his eyes wide and almost scared looking. "But wanna know something crazy? He's there still. Even though he's not. Because his presence has stained the entire house. Its all.. so fucking ugly."

Dan watched Phil, watched him practically break down without shedding any tears. He replaced his hesitant grip on Phil's arm with a soft one instead. "Hey.. hey. Take a breath, Phil," he said quietly. He had never been one to comfort people; never needed to. But he felt like Phil needed it now. He needed someone. "You don't- you don't need to go home tonight if it'll bring you too much pain. You can rest here if you need to and in the morning, we can take you back to your house," he offered, not wanting Phil to have an anxiety attack because of the weed Dan had given him. And Phil really seemed like he didn't want to go home.

Phil nodded, "I need to stay away," he said, biting his lip. "Sometimes, when its late at night and I'm alone, I swear I can still hear it," he whispered, suddenly feeling like he could tell Dan anything even though this wouldn't make sense. "Its like.. a gurgling sound. I think maybe its my imagination.. but sometimes I wonder if maybe its karma."

Dan let Phil talk, even though he couldn't quite understand what he was talking about. But he figured Phil wanted to get whatever was on his mind off of his chest. "I-I don't quite understand, Phil," he said quietly. "But, if you need to talk about it more, maybe I'll figure it out," he explained. He saw Phil was shaking and reached out, feeling how cold he was suddenly. "You're freezing," he said, standing up. "Stay here. I'll get you something," he said, walking to his room to get Phil a blanket.

Phil looked around the livingroom, letting out a tiny breath of air before reaching for the pipe. He brought it to his lips and grabbed the lighter, trying to copy what Dan had done earlier. He inhaled deeply, feeling his throat almost immediately get scratchy but he held it in, letting it resonate within him before he exhaled and watched the smoke curl in the air around him. It felt nice for his mind to be fuzzy instead of reliving his worst memory.

Dan grabbed his big comforter, deciding he himself could just sleep in a hoodie and sweatpants for warmth tonight. He brought it out to Phil, watching as Phil took in another puff from the pipe. He set the blanket down on Phil's lap before sitting down beside him. "Are you feeling tired? It was a long day for you."

"Don't wanna sleep," Phil said, handing Dan back the pipe. "I want to forget about it. About the sounds and my mom and my dad," he looked at Dan. "I want to forget it all, Dan."

Dan nodded slowly. "I-I can't really help with that. Usually getting high is a distraction for me. I was hoping it would be for you too," he said, feeling a bit guilty. "Why don't I put on more music for us?" He offered, standing up and walking over to the record player.

Phil stood up, walking towards Dan. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean to word vomit all over you," he blushed. "I guess weed makes my brain fuzzy and I don't know when to shut up." 

"You don't need to apologize at all," Dan said immediately. He picked up his Sleeping at Last album and showed it to Phil. "This may calm you a little bit. Have you heard them?" He asked, putting the album on.

Phil shook his head, watching Dan put the record on. He smiled softly as the music started playing, "This is softer than what I imagined you listening to," Phil giggled a bit. "I always thought you were listening to like heavy metal in class."

Dan grinned a bit. "I usually am," he admitted. "But we all need to slow down every now and then," he explained. He listened to the music with Phil for a moment before turning to him. "How about we eat some more pizza and then call it a night? I can leave the music on for you tonight if you need something in the background."

"Okay," Phil smiled at Dan, looking down at his feet. He moved his toe against the carpet for a moment before looking at Dan. "The question I asked before.. about what you would ask someone if you had the chance and they had to give you an answer," he paused, "Whats your real answer to that?"

Dan bit his lip lightly. "You didn't think I was telling the truth?" He asked with a small, teasing smile. He sighed a bit. "I would ask my mom what my life meant to her, you know? It's no big deal, though. Shit happens. I'm kinda over it," Dan said, feeling weird admitting everything to someone he barely knew. But so far, he and Phil have been getting along pretty well. Far better than he imagined.

Phil nodded, "That makes sense," he went to the couch, sitting down and bringing his knees up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them and let out a small sigh. "I think I would ask my dad why."

"Why what?" Dan asked, sitting down beside Phil. He'd seen Phil look upset a couple times tonight, but this time, it was different. Phil looked.. pained. Like something was hurting him deep inside.

"Just-" he shrugged. "Why," he looked down, tracing a small line on his jeans with the tip of his finger. "Is there anymore pepperoni pizza?" he asked, looking up at Dan, hoping he wouldn't notice how he was trying to act normal now instead of sad.

Dan nodded. "Yeah, let me get you some pieces and then we can keep talking about this, okay?" He told him, standing up and making his way to the kitchen. He grabbed Phil two slices and made his way back to him, setting it down on the coffee table in front of Phil.

"I-I can tell you're struggling," Dan said softly. "I've learned to read people over the years, and you- you have a lot on his mind," he said, reaching up and gently resting a hand on Phil's shoulder. "You don't need to open up to me, I know we haven't known each other for long, but I want you to know that I'll be here if you need to get things off your mind and chest."

"Thank you," Phil smiled and took a deep breath. He didn't know if it was because of all the unexpected emotions or how tired he was but he felt like he was starting to sober up quite a lot. "Thank you for letting me stay here."

"It's no problem," Dan said simply, letting go of Phil's shoulder. "This couch isn't really comfortable. You can sleep in my room tonight." When Phil started to object, Dan shook his head. "Really. It's no problem, come on," he said, standing up and leading Phil to his room. 

His room wasn't quite as messy as the rest of the house had been. Everything was a mix of black, red, and gray. Band posters and movie posters took up most of his walls and dark red curtains covered his windows. He fixed up his pillows for Phil before turning back to him. "Sorry, it's kind of messy," he said, referring to the few shirts on the floor. "But it's comfortable," he said, motioning to the bed.

Phil climbed on the bed, sitting down and curling up a bit. "I'm okay with messy," he said, grabbing a pillow and pulled it into his lap. 

"Are you staying with me?" he asked, looking up at Dan still standing there. "I dont want to take your whole bed. There's enough room for both of us!"

Dan blushed lightly. Wow. He hadn't blushed in- longer than he could even remember. "I-I'm good. I was just gonna take the couch," he said. "I wouldn't wanna make you uncomfortable," he added on, clearing his throat.

"It wouldn't," Phil smiled, "I don't want to make you sleep on the couch. You said it was uncomfortable and I'm basically stealing your hospitality!"

Dan shrugged after a pause. "Okay. Let me go grab the blanket off the couch," he said, walking over to the couch. Why was his heart racing? He had shared beds with friends whenever he was younger, what's different now? He guessed it was because he was older and him and Phil couldn't really call each other friends yet. But as he handed Phil the blanket, he thought maybe that'd happen quicker than it usually did for Dan. Maybe they really were going to become friends, just like Louise had said.

Phil curled up, careful to stay in one corner so he wouldn't touch Dan when he came back. He definitely never wanted to make Dan feel uncomfortable at all. He watched the door, seeing it open and Dan walk in. "Thank goodness there's not school tomorrow," he said quietly, more to himself than to Dan.

As Dan laid the blanket down, he nodded. "I have to go wash up a bit before bed. I'll be back in a minute," he said, walking to the bathroom.

Phil watched him go silently, letting his eyes slip closed. He wanted to wait for Dan to come back but after all the emotions and the weed he was tired. He fell asleep pretty quickly, not even bothering to cover up.

Dan sighed once he got to the bathroom. He felt drained after today. So much had happened, it was overwhelming almost. He shook his head as he washed his face off with cold water, needing the refresher. After he dried his face off, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like a mess. He had eyebags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he had been dealing with lately, and his usual curls were knotted. 

Dan didn't really hate his appearance, he just never paid attention to it. The only thing he really could say he loved about his body was the tattoos lining his arms. He had all kinds of them, some with meanings, some he just thought looked nice. But he had always found tattoos intriguing. Art on human bodies. How could he resist? He got them way before he was 18, finding a friend he thought was talented at 15 and letting him put his art on Dan's body. Now that Dan looked back at them, they were a little messy and you could tell they were done at home, but he appreciated them anyways. 

He looked in the mirror for a bit longer before shaking it off and deciding sleep is what he needed the most right now. He made his way back to his room, seeing Phil asleep. He changed into pajama bottoms and a simple black t-shirt before climbing into bed as well, leaving enough space between them so he wouldn't make Phil feel awkward or uncomfortable.

The minute his head hit the pillow Dan was asleep, not even having time to think about the day's events, as music still played softly in the background.


	4. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i was falling. falling through time and space and stars and sky and everything in between."

Phil woke up the next day feeling more rested than he had in a while. He stretched for a moment before pausing and looking around. He felt an arm around his waist. He remembered most of what happened the night before, much to his embarrassment, but he didn't remember cuddling up next to Dan like this. They must of done it in their sleep.

Dan let out a small grunt whenever Phil stretched, burying his face in the crook of Phil's neck and pulling him closer. He huffed before beginning to fall back asleep, snoring lightly.

Phil let out a small yelp but didn't try to pull away even though he probably should've. Dan was just so much bigger than Phil he felt safe and protected and plus Dan was incredibly warm. He closed his eyes, not wanting to move out of Dan's hold just yet.

It was about half an hour before Dan began to wake up. He furrowed his eyebrows at the warmth covering his front side, slowly opening his eyes. Whenever he saw that he had his arm around Phil, he blushed brightly, immediately letting him go. Phil had his eyes closed, but didn't seem like he was sleeping. "I'm sorry, Phil. I should've warned you, I move around in my sleep," he said, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck as he sat up. "Are you okay? I didn't make you feel uncomfortable, did I?"

"No, I'm okay," Phil opened his eyes, rubbing them with the back of his hand. "I don't mind cuddling. You're really warm. It was a nice way to wake up."

Dan didn't think he could get brighter, but he could feel the heat in his cheeks grow warmer. "I'm glad I didn't make you feel weird," he said, giving a small laugh to try and make things less awkward. "I would make breakfast, but we don't have anything for it right now. I can make us some coffee and then take you home if that sounds good," he said, climbing out of bed and now letting himself stretch as well.

Phil frowned a bit at the idea of going home but he nodded, not wanting to bother Dan more than he already had. "Where's your restroom?" he asked, standing up and stretching as well.

"Across the hall," Dan told him, opening his closet and beginning to pull out an outfit for the day. He had to work later that evening, which he wasn't happy about. He hated working weekends. It was the only time he could get a break and of course he always ended up working them. He didn't have to go in until 3 today though, so he could relax for the first half of the day.

Phil walked out of the room and into the bathroom. He immediately relieved himself and then after washing his hands he grabbed Dan's toothpaste and squirted some on his finger and running it over his teeth. It wasn't great but it would do at least until he got home and could properly brush his teeth.

He looked at himself in the mirror, sighing a bit. His hair was a mess and he had red lines on his face from the pillow he'd slept on.He looked like a troll compared to Dan who looked like a god with his messy hair and glassy tired eyes. Phil walked out of the room quickly and back to Dan's, hesitating for a moment before he knocked. He never walked in a room without knocking unless it was his own.

Dan changed when Phil walked out of the room, just putting on a white shirt and plain black jeans. He heard a knock at his door and opened it, letting Phil in. "I'll start coffee right now and then we can go," he told him, running his hands through his own messy hair in an attempt to get the knots out of his curls.

"Sounds good," Phil followed him down the stairs towards the kitchen. He was back to his normally quiet and careful self, watching his feet while he walked to keep from tripping. When they got to the kitchen Phil stood off to the side and watched Dan prepare the coffee. "Thank you again for letting me stay," Phil said suddenly, searching for something to talk about.

Dan made the coffee, leaning against the counter and looking at Phil. "It's no problem. I'm sorry your first experience with weed was kind of- hard on you," he said softly, trying to word his sentence right so he wouldn't make Phil feel embarrassed. "The next time we work on the project, we don't need to do that again," he said, hoping Phil wasn't too upset over the events from the previous night.

"It wasn't the weed," Phil said, blushing. "I mean.. not fully. I always feel like that though. It's usually just.. on the inside," he looked up at Dan. "Have you ever had a place make you feel like you.. you just literally can't breathe. And the longer you spend there the more air it takes from you?"

Dan nodded a bit. "Yeah. I know what you mean," he said, watching the coffee pot drip coffee into it. "I-I know it's kind of stupid of me to say this, but I really do hope things get better for you," he said, moving his eyes back to Phil and meeting his eyes. "Holding everything in can be hard. I hope you find an outlet to help you to- feel better. Or get better. Over time," he said, trying to think of the advice he had gotten from therapists before. It all seemed kinda useless to him, as nothing had worked for him personally. Eventually he just gave up on therapists and learned to live with everything on his mind.

"Thank you," Phil moved closer to Dan, hesitating before he reached forward and placing his hand on Dan's arm. "I hope you find that too," he said, looking up at him. "And.. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to."

Dan nodded, giving him a small smile. "Wow, we got deep pretty quick, huh?" He laughed lightly before grabbing two mugs. He poured himself coffee and added a bit of creamer like he liked, before turning to Phil. "How do you like yours?"

"Anything you have is fine," he said and pointed towards Dan's creamer and sugar. "I like coffee pretty much any way!"

Dan poured creamer into Phil's coffee and added sugar before handing him the mug. "Cheers."

**time skip.**

Dan had been working on the project with Phil for around a month now. They worked on it together most days, besides the days when Dan needed to work, in which case, they texted each other for the day instead. Dan didn't expect the project to go like this at all. He expected him and Phil to work on it for a few days and then they'd be done with it, but that wasn't the case at all. It wasn't that the project wasn't getting done, it's just that they found that they both liked spending time in each other's presence, of course neither of them said that though. Every hangout was 'working on the project' even though some days, they never wrote anything down at all.

It was a cold morning whenever Dan woke up asleep next to Phil. That was another thing that they didn't really plan. Phil stayed over quite often, usually because they got high together or it was already late by the time they were done talking, so they both had just along the lines agreed that Phil could stay over whenever Dan didn't offer to take him home. They also shared the bed because Phil refused to let Dan sleep on the couch, and vice versa. Some days they'd wake up cuddling, and Dan didn't really pull away immediately anymore, though his cheeks were always still a bright red color.

This time, that was the case again, his arm wrapped around Phil's stomach and their legs entangled. Phil was still asleep so Dan carefully untangled from him, looking down at him for a few moments. It was still early, but this was the one weekend in a long time in which Dan didn't need to work. That made waking up a little easier for Dan.

He found himself running his eyes over Phil's face, looking at his long eyelashes, the freckles lightly spread across his nose and cheeks, and finally, his eyes landed on his lips, light pink and a little chapped from the cold morning. He blushed lightly and chewed his own lip before gently shaking Phil to wake him up.

Phil opened his eyes, yawning softly and groaning a bit. "Why're you waking me up?" he complained, huffing dramatically before opening his eyes fully and playfully glaring at Dan. "Was I sleeping too soundly for you? You woke up and chose violence,"

Dan grinned and shoved Phil lightly. "I woke you up because you were droolin all over my pillows, you nerd," he said, before yawning and stretching his arms over head.

"Hmm. You sound tired. You should come back to bed," Phil said, closing his eyes and stretching. "We can nap together," he opened one eye, seeing Dan looking down at him with an unreadable expression. "What?" he asked, confused.

"Nothing. I was just thinking," Dan said softly, giving him a small smile. He lied back down with Phil and closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Phil's breathing. He hadn't lied; he was thinking. Thinking about how much had changed in so little time and how comfortable he felt around Phil. Almost more comfortable than he felt around his friends sometimes.

After a bit of a nap Phil woke up, glancing around and seeing Dan next to him. He sat up, yawning and grabbing his phone. He didn't have any notifications, as usual, but he did check the time before rolling over and shaking Dan this time. "Wakey wakey."

Dan groaned and peeked an eye open, looking up at Phil. "You're way too cheery waking up," he said, before closing his eyes again and rubbing them, trying to wake himself up some.

"Says you who woke me up first," Phil said and sat up, "Come on. I wanna smoke some," he said before he gasped a bit. "Wait! I forgot to show you-" he grabbed his bag, "I talked to my brother about us smoking sometimes and he gave me his old grinder so-" he grabbed it out of his bag. "Teach me how to use it!"

Dan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, okay," he laughed softly. He sat up and stretched his arms above his head before opening his hands at Phil. "Hand it over. I'll teach you."

Phil handed him the small grinder, watching Dan take the top of it off and put the weed in.

Dan put the top back in. "You just twist it," he said, twisting it to show Phil what he meant. "This way you dont have to waste time picking the weed off the stem. It's basically powder which is good for smoking with a pipe like we do," he looked up at Phil. "But dont use your grinder if you want to use a joint. It'll basically just fall out of it," he finished twisting, taking the little device apart again and showing Phil the powder.

Dan reached over and grabbed the pipe they shared and his lighter. He sat back against the pillows and began to get the pipe set up, taking the powder from the grinder. He finished setting it up and began to light it, taking a puff and letting it out with a calm breath before handing the pipe to Phil. "It feels nice out, today," he said, enjoying the chilly morning air in his room. "Maybe we could go somewhere later on." He said, thinking about what they could do.

He thought for a moment before looking at Phil. "Peej and Louise really wanna hangout with you sometime," he told him. He knew that PJ and Phil had a history. They used to be close friends, but their friendship broke apart over time. And it seemed like now they were both scared of being friends again.

Phil paused, "Maybe some other time," he said quietly, before standing. "Uhm. Actually-" he took a small breath. "Don't freak out if I disappear for a few days alright. There's some stuff going on.. family stuff. I might not be around."

Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, but nodded. He had observed over time that Phil had sadness and pain hidden behind those soft, blue eyes. But Phil wasn't ready to talk about it, and Dan wasn't one to pry. "Okay," he said simply, a soft tone to his voice. "You want me to take you home now?" He offered. He could sense that Phil was dealing with something, could see it on his face, written there like words on a page.

"Yeah," Phil nodded, not looking forward to being home but he also didn't want Dan to see him when the sadness really hit. "Just let me get my stuff together."

Dan nodded. "Okay, no worries," Dan said, getting up and beginning to get ready to take Phil home.

**small time skip.**

Phil stepped out of Dan's truck when they pulled up to his house, waving at Dan before walking inside quickly. He closed the door behind himself, leaning against it. He was alone, his mom at work. That's how it had happened, Phil remembered. There's a lot of things he doesn't remember.. he'd probably blocked them out. But something he remembered was his mom had been working late the day it happened and Phil had been alone with his dad.

He remembered that his dad had told him to watch TV even though Phil's mom didn't like Phil sitting in front of the screen for long periods of a time. He can't remember what was playing on the TV but he remembers getting thirsty and walking to find his dad to ask him for a drink. He remembers walking upstairs and hearing a thud from down the hall and following it. As he got closer he could hear a weird gurgling sound like someone trying to breathe through blocked airways. He got to his parents room, opening the door without knocking and seeing his dad on the ground. He does remember running forward and dropping to his knees, not caring that there was puke there.

He remembers shaking his dad. He doesn't remember the 999 call. Or the ambulance getting there. But he remembers his mom coming home and gripping Phil in the tightest hug he'd ever had. Then.. the rest of the year goes black. He doesn't remember anything up until his tenth birthday.

Dan drove home, getting in touch with PJ and Louise and feeling thankful when they were both able to hang out today. Dan hadn't seen them much lately. He started hanging out with Phil some days at lunch, where they'd sit outside, just like Dan liked, and they'd laugh and talk for the entire lunch period. He could tell PJ and Louise felt a bit betrayed, but Dan explained to them that it was for the project and they seemed to understand more.

They planned on getting drinks and then walking around the popular shopping area near them. Dan wasn't a huge fan of the idea, but he was happy to have the chance to see his other friends again.

He leaned over and grabbed a cigarette out of his glovebox. He grabbed his lighter too, lighting it. He didn't really like the idea of smoking, but over time he turned to it as a form of release, as he did with weed, and sometimes alcohol. Smoking was definitely one of the habits he knew he needed to change though. But he couldn't find the motivation.

PJ watched as Dan pulled up to the mall, waving at him. "Phil's not with him," Louise said, frowning and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. PJ shrugged. He did a lot of acting like he didn't care if Phil was around or not. He was pretty sure they both knew it was because he felt guilty though.

"Hey!" Louise called when Dan parked and stepped out of his truck, jogging towards him. "Where's Lester?"

"He- uh. He wasn't feeling good," Dan explained, putting out his cigarette on the ground with his boot. "He said he had some family stuff going on." Dan grabbed his black jacket out of his truck before throwing it on and locking his truck doors.

PJ looked up, "Thats right," he said, snapping like he just remembered something. "The anniversary of his dads death is like.. next week," he looked at Dan.

Louise frowned, "Thats so sad," she whispered, blowing out a short breath of air.

Suddenly it all connected in Dan's mind. "Oh," he said softly. "Yeah. That makes sense," he said, thinking about the pain that had lingered on Phil's face for a few weeks now. "I saw it on him. On his face. He looked sad, but he's trying to hide it," he explained, beginning to walk with PJ and Louise to the coffee shop they were getting drinks from.

"I hope he's okay," Louise said, shaking her head again. "I honestly don't know what I would do if I was in his shoes. I think I'd lose my mind,"

PJ nodded, "I think he has a pretty hard time during this time of year,"

Dan nodded in agreement. "He's seemed really down. I wanted him to come with us, but he just seemed off. I didn't want to push him," he said honestly. "I didn't really know what it was. I'm glad I at least know. Maybe after I give him some time I can go and see how he's doing," he said. Dan had been shy about expressing his friendship with Phil at first, knowing they were so different, but eventually he couldn't really hide it from his friends and no longer felt the need to.

Dan spent the day with Louise and PJ, walking around the outdoor shopping center. Dan didn't really say much. For some reason, he couldn't get the thought of Phil out of his mind. He decided soon he'd have to go check on him, just to give himself a calmer mind.


	5. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "to fall in love with someone's thoughts - the most intimate, splendid romance."

Phil was home. It had been a week since he'd left his room. He couldn't bring himself to care about that though. He hadn't seen anyone but his mom during that time which had been a bit awkward considering he rarely saw her these days because she works so much. And the fact that it had been awkward upset Phil even more because he and his mom used to be so close and now they didn't know what to even say to each other anymore. He was sat in his bed, music playing on the record player he'd inherited from his dad. He was trying not to think of him even though he was the reason Phil had been away from people.

Dan was worried about Phil. They had only been friends for about a month, but you grew close to someone whenever you spent practically every day talking to them somehow in some way. He figured checking on Phil couldn't really hurt anything. Phil wasn't getting back to his messages either and it made him worry that maybe Phil was in trouble.

Dan slid on his leather jacket and grabbed his truck keys, putting them and his phone and wallet in his pocket before making his way to his truck. He wanted to at least stop by and see if Phil needed anything.

That was the plan; at first anyways. But he ended up stopping at a little café next to Phil's house and getting him a hot chocolate; like he knew he loved. Then, finally, he made his way to Phil's house, knocking on the door when he got there.

Phil was laid in bed, his head down against his pillows when he heard knocking on the door. He didn't plan on getting up at all. He figured whoever it was would leave eventually.. maybe think no one was home. But every few minutes there was more knocking on the door. After about ten minutes when the person kept knocking Phil groaned and sat up. He made his way downstairs quickly. He didn't know who it was but he wasn't in the mood for company. Couldn't people take a hint? 

He opened the door, seeing Dan there and deflating a bit. Even though he wasn't in the mood for people he didn't mind seeing Dan. "Hi," he said, looking down. He knew he probably looked a mess. He was in sweats and a baggy shirt. He hadn't showered in a couple of days so his hair was oily and he had bags under his eyes from his sleepless nights.

"Hey," Dan said softly. He immediately observed how tired Phil looked. He looked like he had had a tough week mentally. "I-I just wanted to come by and check on you," Dan explained, looking at Phil with a sad smile. "I brought you this. It's your favorite," he said, handing the warm cup of hot chocolate to Phil.

"Thank you," Phil said, reaching out to take the drink. He hesitated before moving back a bit. "You can come in if you want," he let Dan walked past him into the house before shutting the door. "Sorry if I worried you. Been.. busy."

Dan shook his head. "You don't need to apologize," he said immediately. He slid off his jacket and put it on the coathanger next to the door. "Do you like it?" He asked as he watched Phil take a sip of the hot chocolate. "They put whipped cream on it and brown sugar on top, just like you like," he said, trying to act casual about it, even though he hoped the warm drink would bring even the slightest bit of happiness to Phil.

Phil smiled softly though it didnt quite meet his eyes, "Yeah. Thank you," he said, his eyes slipping down Dans body quickly before looking back up. "We can sit in the lounge if you want. My room is a mess."

"Whatever works with you," Dan said, reaching down and gently getting a fuzzy out of Phil's hair, before smoothing his hair down for him. "You had a fuzzy. I got it," he said, a gentle smile on. "Come on, let's sit down somewhere."

Phil moved to the small room, sitting down on the loveseat that was nearest to the fire place. "How've you been?" he asked, wanting to change the subject from himself. He knew it wouldn't work long because Dan was a good friend who worried. He'd ask again. But at least for the moment.

"I've been good. A little bored, but good," Dan admitted. "I'm usually bored in school though. Only a few more months until it's Summer. Things will be different then," he explained, shrugging. He chewed his lip lightly, eyes looking over Phil's sad, almost lost expression. "I know you probably don't want to talk about what's been making you feel down. And I won't make you. But I'm here for you, Phil," he said softly. "You're my partner now. You're stuck with me," he said in an attempt to make Phil smile a little.

Phil nodded, taking a deep breath. "When I was nine my mom had to work late one night so my dad was supposed to be watching me," he said, looking down. He had never told anyone this before. He didnt really know how to go about it. He just started talking. "He had these days sometimes.. where he couldn't handle people around him. Like he got really sad or angry or whatever. So he basically would put me in front of the tv to distract me even though my mom hated that. He did that on that night, sat me there with cartoons playing and then left me alone for a long time. I cant- I don't really remember how long it was. But I know I got thirsty but I couldn't reach our glasses. So I went looking for him-" He paused, looking up at Dan suddenly. Phil's eyes were wide and scared but he kept talking anyways. 

"I heard him before I saw him. There was a thud like someone fell down and I could hear.. I guess he was choking on his vomit or his tongue or.. I don't know. But it was this- like- gasping sounding. A gurgle almost and.. I didn't know so I walked in the room. He was there. And it smelled awful because he'd puked and he was laying so still and I remember screaming running to him. He was still breathing but I guess I was too late or I shook him the wrong way or.. something. Because he died before the paramedics got there. He-" Phil paused. He'd never said the words out loud before. Not even to himself. "He killed himself."

Dan didn't know what to say, couldn't manage to bring any words up at first. And he didn't know if Phil wanted him to. Their eyes were locked on each other for what felt like forever, before Dan broke that, reaching forward and giving the first hug he had ever had.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil firmly, but not too tightly as Phil was so much smaller than him and he didn't want to hurt him. But the hug was gentle; it felt longer than it probably was as Dan shut his eyes and let Phil bury his face in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry," he said softly, speaking into Phil's soft black hair. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that," he said, bringing his hand up and resting it on Phil's hair.

Phil sniffled a bit, hesitating before wrapping his arms around Dans waist and hugging him back. He wasn't crying, didn't know if he had it in him to cry more today. He'd done a lot earlier. But it felt good to tell someone. To finally say it. "Thank you," he said, pulling away just far enough to look into Dan's eyes. 

The position they were in now was intimate and if it was any other context Phil might've been thinking about closing the space and kissing Dan considering how cute Phil found Dan and the crush he'd developed on him. But right now Phil was just thankful he had Dan around as a friend.

"Of course," Dan said, meeting Phil's eyes for a moment before pulling away from the hug with a small smile. "Your hot chocolates gonna get cold," he said. He looked to the fireplace in front of them. "Can I?" He asked, motioning to it. It was cold inside Phil's house. It felt empty, and he understood what Phil meant now.

"Go ahead," he said quietly, picking his hot chocolate up again and sipping at it. He felt sad still but less so. Dan wasn't the magical cure for things like this.. there wasn't one. But it was nice to not be alone. "Thank you for coming over," Phil said, watching Dan light his fireplace. "I didn't realize I needed it. But it's nice to not be alone."

Dan lit the fireplace and sat beside Phil again. "Nobody should ever have to be alone. It's too sad and dark in this world to go through it alone." Dan knew he hadn't been alone, realistically. He had PJ and Louise, but he had never grown closer to anyone than he did with Phil. He felt like they had a genuine connection.

"That's true," Phil said and huffed out a soft laugh, "You're literally the last person I expected to be having this conversation with. But I'm glad it's you."

Dan laughed and nodded. "Tell me about it," he said, thinking about how much things had changed between them in the past few weeks. "It's weird. Things changed fast, but they don't feel fast," he shrugged. "It's hard to explain," he said, sticking his hands out to warm them up in front of the fireplace.

"Kinda of like we've known each other forever," Phil said, grinning at Dan. "Except it's only been about a month. Wild," he laughed, shivering a bit and reaching his hands out to warm them as well.

Dan smiled, looking at Phil. "Yeah," he agreed. His eyes met Phils and they looked at each other for a moment before both laughing lightly. 

Then, as if on cue, snow began falling gently, leaving the outside world a white, cold wonderland. It was warm inside Phil's house though, and Dan wondered if his cheeks were warm from the fire in the fireplace, or the fire beginning to light in his chest; a beautiful, slow burning fire.


End file.
